I got my friendships back on track... And then the boy and I break up.

I'm a bit bummed tonight, even though I knew I'd break up with him eventually. He's a good guy but we really are a different points in our lives. So yeah, a little bummed.

I'm quickly finding out that I've been a pretty crappy friend to everyone recently. Me and the bf are doing well, so at least I got one portion of my life right, hah.

How can I add someone into my life without changing how my life is with those already in it? I suppose that's not possible, is it...

I started seeing someone a little while ago and things are good there. I'm still slow to open up when it comes to any type of relationship, but for now, I like him, he likes me, we fit - in a very this-is-an-early-stage-of-the-relationship sort of way. I still have some worries - like I do in every new relationship - but I'm really trying to push those aside. They're either piety things that I'm probably fishing for (commitment issues, anyone?), or they're things that I'm guessing may come up in the future... but that's the future - and who knows? Maybe it'll never come up. Maybe things will work themselves out before it becomes an issue.

The thing is, my track record with relationships sucks. I am very much anti-change in this area of my life. That doesn't mean that I wasn't looking for a guy, it's just... when I found one, I didn't really know where to go from there. I have this great, probably unreasonable pride in my independence. I was never one of those girls who would go to the ladies room in packs. I went to China without knowing anyone else on the trip. When I want to do something, I don't need support from others - I'll just try it (Support is nice though ;)). A relationship really does require some sort of dependence on one-another, you know? When the relationship is going strong, they're known as your partner, someone you can always depend on - all good things, but also things that would require me to give up a teeny tiny bit of my independence.

I'd make up excuses so I wouldn't be available, I'd push them away by shutting them out... lots of things that effectively destroy any hopes of a relationship. I know I do this. I know I have a problem, and I've probably pushed away some really great guys - one in particular I really think I could've been good with. So with this new guy, I want to hang onto him for a while. I really want to get over myself and my habits and just see where this thing goes. So far, so good.

Now if I could just figure out how to balance things. I've been slowly hurting a real good friend of mine. I haven't done one single thing that hurt her, just too many little things. Suggesting things to do on nights that I end up already having plans for... She's been bummed a bit lately too, I think. Maybe it has something to do with her own relationship track record, maybe not, either way we're not talking. Not really. I miss her and I see her everyday. I wish I could find some sort of balance with the people I care about so both my relationships and friendships can be strong.

Someday soon, I hope.

Sorry, lj friends, this seems to be my rant blog. For some reason I haven't felt like writing anything unless it's because I'm annoyed about something, and since this is the only online outlet I have that no one in my family knows about, this is the only online outlet I have where I can rant and rave.

Okay, wtf apartment neighbors? What in the hell makes you think that it is okay for you to blast your music at 3 in the morning? I have class. Early. And I have an exam tomorrow. Its bad enough that the fucking building fire alarm went off 2 hrs ago - also when I was dead asleep - but now you and your fucking bass speaker are going to keep me awake into the wee hour of my morning. Thanks, I appreciate the alarm. Too bad you're 3 hours early. Yeah, I know these walls are better than paper thin (thank god), but you've got to be kidding me if you think that loud fucking noise wouldn't reach my or anyone else's room.

Seriously. Why do people not realize that there are others living on this fucking planet?

EDIT: IT'S OFF!! EEEIII YAY! GOODNIGHT

Today was a frustrating day all around - late to work, car didn't start, annoying kid finding me at work so I couldn't run away, test, car still doesn't start... Frustrating. And out of that frustration came a punch to the garage door. And now my hand hurts. Badly. Hopefully I didn't break anything, cuz that would be one embarrassing story.

God, how I love to finally have a President who knows what he's talking about when he answers questions. Confident, smart, fucking fantastic. :)

Hey, I had to swear at least once. Seems to be all I do in this journal. Love it.

Trying so hard to convince myself to go to class. Be late, bring the iPod - as long as I'm in the room, right?

A coworker and I decided the we shouldn't have to do anything on Fridays. There's the lull until monday anyway.

Anyway, sorry for this pointless post - I have had a post in awhile and I felt like my calender needed to be updated.

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Guy I like officially has a girlfriend... And I am strangly okay with this. Time to focus on me.

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Looks like I'm on academic probation. This sucks. But I'm not super worried about it - it doesn't have anything to do with my cummulative gpa, I've just had two bad semesters. That makes it easier to turn things around.

And I am really determined to turn things around. I'm already signed up to take the class that brought my gpa down last semester, and the one from the semester before is already slotted for this summer. Hopefully by the end of the summer, my cummulative gpa will be back around a 3.0. I dunno why I'm all inspired to turn my life around in 09, but I'm not gonna fight it. I'm doing yoga regularly, and tomorrow I'm gonna buy the books I need so I can read them early. All I need now is to come up with a plan for my love life and things would look really good.

There's nothing like getting a shitty email that puts a jumpstart to the "I need to do better" mindset.

And who knows, maybe my next post will be a positive one for once.

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Conversation I should have with boy:

I like you, have liked you for a long time, but I know I fucked this up and I'm so sorry for that. You have been so good to me, and I go and get scared and run away from it all. You make me dinner during a stressful finals week, and I go to china for month then don't call for the rest of the summer because I am a fucking idiot. Now you're probably with some smart, fun girl and I have to move on knowing a blew a chance on a great guy because I can't get over myself. I know this is all my fault, and though I don't know for sure if you're with someone else, I shouldn't expect you to wait around for me.

So, I like you, and have for awhile. I'm so sorry for being an idiot.

It is soooo cold.

That is all.

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I want to take up Yoga.

See, back in the day, I was a nice toned athlete. Not so much anymore - and my flexibility is shite. I see all of these celebrities that I admire taking up yoga, and let me tell ya, they look good. I have a few problems, though. College student = little money. I can't afford to take any professional classes right now. Even the $50/semester fee is a bit too much. Between rent/groceries/gas/alcohol/etc $50 bucks is a lot of money.

Okay, so I guess that's my problem. Does anyone know any good routines or sites I can follow at home? Or has anyone done yoga and have any tips?

• 09:12 It's gonna be a fun weekend of work. Yipee. #

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We're watching Bridzillas. I really hate this show. The brides are so annoying -and it's not good drama annoying, it's just really fucking annoying. I'd switch it but my roommate did get out here first and she's on this marrage kick that we can't shake out of her. I'd explain more but I'm typing this on my iPod and it would be seperate post-worthy, IMO.

Are fatheads real? Commercial is on now and I can't decide if this is a joke or not.

So, I sit on the student gov't for the university. We're starting to talk about the budget for the next couple of years bc it's a tuition year. This bad economy? Really really blows. Tuition's gonna go up for sure, it's just a matter of how much, now. Todays projection had the state deficit at around 4.8 billion so they're projecting the state to cut the umiversity's funding by around 200 million - or a 7% cut. That's a lot. A shit-ton, actually, and the last time the deficit was almost this much, tuition went up 13%. I can't afford that.

So, Minnesotans, if you're so inclined, could you pressure your legislature? The U can't afford to be cut. We can live without an increase, but a cut would be bad. Very bad.

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Did youtube just go widescreen, like 5 seconds ago? I was seriously watching a clip, hit 'back' and the video I was previously watching was in widescreen. Now they all are.

Kick. Ass.

• 15:12 One coworker to another: "Do you wear that shirt every Friday? Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it mean." Suuuurrre. #

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• 23:08 What should I do when plastic over the windows no longer helps? Wind is so strong it busts the plastic... #
• 23:09 btw, thats a strong wind through the CLOSED windows. #

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• 08:14 I would just like to say that I am so on fire with email responses this morning. Screw the engineering thing - secretary is so my calling. #

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• 20:56 Can't find my headphones. My nice, somewhat expensive headphones are missing in action. :( #
• 21:15 #House was okay tonight. Next week looks fantastic, though. #

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• 09:51 it's odd going to sleep with green grass outside my window, and wake up with everything turned to white. #
• 15:56 The cool thing about velvet couches: You can draw things on it. The bad thing: Your butt will also draw itself on it. #

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